ARE WE expecting an invasion? One of the last-ditch stratagems as the landing craft come into view on the horizon is to change all the street and place names so that the enemy will be utterly confused before being driven back into the sea by the bayonets of the Home Guard.
That was the only rationale there could be behind the changes in Durban’s street names, though the immediate military/strategic need was always obscure and the panic seemed to be confined to the Durban City Hall.
But now, it seems, it is widespread. Invasion must be imminent. Investment analyst James Greener laments in his latest grumpy newsletter than he is now a stranger in his own land.
“My new ‘smart phone’ boasts a truly amazing suite of mapping and navigation applications. Sadly, however, the elves in Finland who compiled the map of South Africa must have been in touch with a particularly reactionary and confrontational lackey at the South African Government’s Place Names Department. I am now truly a stranger in my own land as there are huge swathes of country where not one place name is familiar.
My Eastern Cape homeland is unrecognisable. Grahamstown, Port Elizabeth and East London have vanished. Even Umtata is now called King Sabata Dalindyebo. A recent call for tenders in the local newspaper listed a dozen municipalities, not one of which I recognised.
“Maybe that’s why the Post Office has given up delivering mail. They have no idea where to go.”
Military necessity, my dear doctor, military necessity. If we can confuse our own post office, we can confuse the enemy.
Sex and stale wine
THE BUTLER tells all. Well not exactly the butler, it’s the Secret Service personnel who have guarded American presidents and their families in the White House since the ’60s. They’ve put it together in a book titled Impressions and Observations. Some snippets:
l John and Jacqueline Kennedy. He was a philanderer of the highest order. She ordered the kitchen help to save all the left-over wine at state dinners, which was then mixed with fresh wine and served again during the next White House occasion.
l Lyndon and Lady Bird Johnson: Another philanderer of the highest order. In addition, LBJ was as crude as the day is long. Both JFK and LBJ kept a lot of women in the White House for extramarital affairs. Lady Bird was either naive or just pretended to “not know” about her husband’s many liaisons.
l Richard and Pat Nixon: A moral man but very odd and weird, paranoid. He had a horrible relationship with his family, and in a way was almost a recluse. She was quiet most of the time.
l Gerald and Betty Ford: A true gentleman who treated the Secret Service with respect and dignity. He had a great sense of humour. She drank a lot.
l Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter: A complete phony. He would be shown carrying his own luggage, but the suitcases were always empty. He wanted people to see him as pious and a non-drinker, but he and his family drank alcohol a lot. She mostly did her own thing.
l Ronald and Nancy Reagan: The real deal – moral, honest, respectful, and dignified. Thanked everyone all the time. He took the time to know everyone on a personal level. The Reagans drank wine during state dinners and on special occasions; otherwise they shunned alcohol.
l George and Barbara Bush: Extremely kind and considerate, always respectful. He was the most prompt of the presidents. He ran the White House like a well-oiled machine. She ruled the house and spoke her mind.
l Bill and Hillary Clinton: The presidency was one giant party. He was not trustworthy. Everyone knows of his sexuality. She is another phony. Her personality would change the instant cameras were near. She was always trying to keep tabs on Bill.
l George W and Laura Bush: The Secret Service loved him and Laura. He was the most physically “in shape” who had a very strict workout regime. She was one of the nicest First Ladies.
Some score high, some not. The Butler in this case seems something of a Republican sympathiser.
Tailpiece
THE MYSTIC refused anaesthetic for a tooth extraction. He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Last word
The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it. – Benjamin Disraeli
