AP
The aurora borealis, or Northern Lights, are seen near the city of Tromsoe, northern Norway, late Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2012. Stargazers were out in force in northern Europe on Tuesday, hoping to be awed by a spectacular showing of northern lights after the most powerful solar storm in six years. (AP Photo/Scanpix Norway, Rune Stoltz Bertinussen) NORWAY OUT
WE REALLY need to get a grip and pay attention. This contest for the Republican Party candidacy for president in the US is complicated but serious. Who better to consult than satirist Andy Borowitz, who tells us President Obama has been laughing uncontrollably since Saturday when Newt Gingrich, the former Speaker of the House of Representatives, won the South Carolina primary.
He quotes aides saying they heard “unusual howls” coming from the Oval Office, causing them to rush to the president to ascertain the cause of the uproar.
“It was weird,’ one aide said. ‘He was just watching cable news.’
“The staff members thought little of the normally reserved president’s giggle attack until it continued throughout the weekend, which saw Mr Obama laughing uncontrollably and stopping only to gasp for air.
“Ever since Saturday, Mr Obama has been oddly giddy throughout White House staff meetings,’ the aide said, ‘and has been seen doodling the initials NG in the margins of memos like a love-struck schoolgirl.
“The only thing we can think of that NG might stand for is Not Good,’the aide said. ‘But why would he be so happy about something that’s not good?’
“Mr Obama’s high spirits were in evidence today in a brief White House appearance, in which the President made the following statement about the administration’s energy policies: ‘Going forward, the United States of America will bwahahahahahahahahaha hahaha.”
Yes, very complicated and difficult for outsiders to follow.
Whitebird
A BLACKBIRD in England has caused a stir by turning white. It’s been attracting twitchers in their droves to Rufford Abbey country park where it lives, in Nottinghamshire.
The bird was originally black, like other blackbirds. It’s not an albino, which would have pink eyes and beak. This one has the normal coloration of eyes and beak, it’s just the feathers that have turned pure white over a period of time. The rare condition is known as leucism.
Park rangers are now concerned that, because of its white plumage, the blackbird will be vulnerable to predators. They should be worried also about its being captured for advertising purposes by the manufacturers of “whiter than white” soap powders and detergents. Unilever stop at nothing.
Science notes
OXFORD University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
Philosophy
SOME Confucianisms to help us through the day:
l Man who want pretty nurse must be patient.
l Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
l Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
l Man who runs in front of car gets tyred, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
l Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
l Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
l Man who live in glass house should change in basement.
l A lion will not cheat on wife but a Tiger Wood.
Tailpiece
“WITH this new hearing aid, I can hear something two blocks away.”
“How much did it cost?”
“Five past 10.”
Last word
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. – Will Rogers
