The Accountant reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting her name.<\/p>\n
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable accountant as yourself.”<\/p>\n
The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.<\/p>\n
“It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.<\/p>\n
He looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 30.”<\/p>\n
St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!”<\/p>\n
What’s the definition of an accountant<\/a>?<\/strong> What’s an extroverted accountant<\/a><\/strong>?<\/strong> What’s an auditor?<\/strong> Why did the auditor cross the road?<\/strong> What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing his hotel room.<\/strong> How do you drive an\u00a0accountant<\/a><\/strong> completely insane?<\/strong> What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?<\/strong> Why do sharks not attack tax advisers?<\/strong> What’s the difference between a tax adviser and an angry bull?<\/strong> What is the difference between a terrorist and a tax inspector?<\/strong> How can you tell when a tax inspector is trying to trap you into a confession?<\/strong> How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?<\/strong> What does an\u00a0accountant<\/a><\/strong> use for birth control?<\/strong> What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?<\/strong> If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep what does she say?<\/strong> What did the accountant say when he got a blank check?<\/strong> What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form?<\/strong> Why the\u00a0accountant<\/a><\/strong> started smoking?<\/strong> How does an accountant stay out of debt?<\/strong> Where do homeless accountants live?<\/strong> Did you hear about the constipated accountant?<\/strong> Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant<\/a><\/strong>?<\/strong> There are just three types of accountants: <\/strong>those who can count and those who can’t. Why accountants don’t read novels?<\/strong> Why do accountants make good lovers?<\/strong> How do you know when an accountant is on holiday?<\/strong> Why did God invent economists?<\/strong> What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?<\/strong>
\nSomeone who solves a financial problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
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\nWhen does a person decide to become an accountant?<\/strong>
\nWhen he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.<\/p>\n
\nOne who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.<\/p>\n
\nSomeone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.<\/p>\n
\nBecause he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.<\/p>\n
\nRefusing to fill out the guest comment card.<\/p>\n
\nTie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.<\/p>\n
\nDepreciation.<\/p>\n
\nProfessional courtesy.<\/p>\n
\nThe tax adviser charges more.<\/p>\n
\nYou can negotiate with a terrorist.<\/p>\n
\nHis lips are moving.<\/p>\n
\nHow much money do you have?<\/p>\n
\nHis personality.<\/p>\n
\nDepreciation.<\/p>\n
\n“Darling, tell me about your work.”<\/p>\n
\nMy deductions have at last caught up with the salary.<\/p>\n
\nThe man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor. I am lying when I am listing myself as a head of household.<\/p>\n
\nSo he can deduct cigarettes from his income tax. Called it loss by fire.<\/p>\n
\nHe learns to act his wage.<\/p>\n
\nIn a tax shelter.<\/p>\n
\nHe couldn’t budget so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.<\/p>\n
\nThe accountant is R1 million shy and hence is retiring.<\/p>\n
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\nNewton’s Laws of Accounting<\/strong>
\nFor every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant. Both of them are wrong.<\/p>\n
\nBecause the only numbers in them are page numbers.<\/p>\n
\nThey’re great with figures.
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\nWhat do accountants do for fun?<\/strong>
\nAdd the telephone book!<\/p>\n
\nHe doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8am!<\/p>\n
\nSo accountants could have someone to laugh at.<\/p>\n
\nThe accountant knows he is boring.<\/p>\n