{"id":141110,"date":"2019-07-12T07:37:35","date_gmt":"2019-07-12T05:37:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.myza.co.za\/cape-town-lens-an-excerpt-beard-trimming-scissors-are-nitroglycerin\/"},"modified":"2019-07-12T07:37:35","modified_gmt":"2019-07-12T05:37:35","slug":"cape-town-lens-an-excerpt-beard-trimming-scissors-are-nitroglycerin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.myza.co.za\/press\/cape-town-lens-an-excerpt-beard-trimming-scissors-are-nitroglycerin\/","title":{"rendered":"Cape Town Lens: An Excerpt ~ \u2018Beard Trimming Scissors are Nitroglycerin\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"

A Cape Town Castle of Good Hope<\/em> tagged image from photographer \u2013 Viewminder<\/a> as published on Flickr.<\/p>\n

An Excerpt ~ \u2018Beard Trimming Scissors are Nitroglycerin\u2019<\/strong>
\"Castle
Image by Viewminder<\/a><\/i><\/p>\n

You know what else is weird?<\/p>\n

The term \u2018Duvet Cover.\u2019<\/p>\n

I only learned about \u2018Duvet\u2019s\u2019 when I got myself into a long term mutually beneficial semi-monagamous relationship that was both emotionally and sexually satisfying to me and the woman that was my life partner.<\/p>\n

A couple of life partners ago.<\/p>\n

None of my genius buddies have a clue as to what a \u2018duvet\u2019 is.<\/p>\n

I Love women.<\/p>\n

If I didn\u2019t I would never spend so much time trying to understand them and to so selflessly help them to understand that the quest for \u2018hot freaky\u2019 can bring them and their man rewards and pleasures that they\u2019ve never considered.<\/p>\n

Sharing \u2018hot freaky\u2019 can bring a man and a woman closer together than they\u2019d ever thought.<\/p>\n

Women are the most beautiful things on earth.<\/p>\n

They\u2019re soft and they smell good too.<\/p>\n

Personally I\u2019m always amazed at how good that their hair smells.<\/p>\n

They also have unique capabilities and they can create a spectacularly color coordinated home that actually feels like it\u2019s full of warmth and love and lots of throw pillows and organize it and run it as a dictatorship with a military like precision.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t even organize the garage.<\/p>\n

In short\u2026<\/p>\n

women are everything that you are not.<\/p>\n

And you could never be no matter how hard you tried.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s one of the reasons that you love them and you\u2019re willing to risk the explosive and painful soul crushing ramifications of relating to them in an intimate way.<\/p>\n

Because they are ultimately your partner in the quest for \u2018hot freaky\u2019 that has consumed most of your thoughts for your entire life, both sleeping and awake.<\/p>\n

Why they put up with your shit is another story entirely.<\/p>\n

She might never be your \u2018buddy\u2019 but you\u2019ve still got a few of those left that she doesn\u2019t know about.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t do it without them man.<\/p>\n

Women.<\/p>\n

Not your buddies\u2026 they\u2019ll never get you anywhere near the promised land.<\/p>\n

At best they\u2019re someone that you go to to drink beers with after your progress towards your lifelong goal of entering the gates of \u2018Shangri-freaky-la\u2019 has been derailed by some stupid shit thing you\u2019ve said to your woman at the worst possible time.<\/p>\n

Because you\u2019ve got a big habit of doing that.<\/p>\n

Women are absolutely essential in the quest that will be the journey to the promised land.<\/p>\n

Unless you like hairy guy ass.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s entirely your call.<\/p>\n

You know I love you and I\u2019d support you even if that was your choice.<\/p>\n

Or your genetics.<\/p>\n

But after knowing you for as long as I have you\u2019re pretty much hetero.<\/p>\n

I mean\u2026<\/p>\n

you think maybe being gay would be easier than actualy having to think about all of this shit\u2026 particularly after one of your legendary and spectacular blowups resulting from your gahdawful ability to say the most stupid shit you possibly can to a woman at the most critical time\u2026<\/p>\n

But you just can\u2019t decide all of the sudden that you\u2019re gay.<\/p>\n

Or at least that\u2019s what conventional wisdom dictates.<\/p>\n

And just because you\u2019ve come to love and admire duvet covers doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re gay.<\/p>\n

Ask your therapist next time.<\/p>\n

The sexy one that you sit there and tell all about your obsession with \u2018hot freaky\u2019 and you secretly wonder if one day she\u2019ll just crack, give in and take you up on your repeated subtle offers.<\/p>\n

You would have never discovered duvet covers if a woman didn\u2019t bring them into your life.<\/p>\n

Until she showed you, you had no idea that you could actually buy a cover to shove your old dirty ink stained comforter in to and that it would look like it\u2019s brand new.<\/p>\n

I just don\u2019t understand whay people call them \u2018duvet covers.\u2019<\/p>\n

I mean\u2026 a \u2018duvet\u2019 is a cover for your ugly ass comforter right?<\/p>\n

So what\u2019s a \u2018duvet cover?\u2019<\/p>\n

Either it\u2019s a redundant term\u2026<\/p>\n

or it\u2019s a cover for a cover.<\/p>\n

Maybe I\u2019m missing something here.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s some brilliance right there\u2026 duvets\u2026 a product that had to be invented by a man\u2026 simply because it hides your dirty nasty old thing and makes it look new\u2026 but better than the most skillful application of duct tape ever could\u2026 at the same time given a french name and embraced by women as their own because they go for things with french names\u2026 and forgotten about by men because it was given that same french name.<\/p>\n

\u2018My girl\u2019s coming over tonight and my comforter looks like crap\u2026 I need a duvet cover quick.\u2019<\/p>\n

If you only had a clue as to where you could buy one.<\/p>\n

I gotta admit that at first I thought when Snuggle Bums said that she needed to go and pick up a \u2018duvet\u2019 that it was some kind of mysterious feminine hygene product that I had no business knowing anything about.<\/p>\n

I started to get a little nervous and wonder why in the world she would possibly be telling me this.<\/p>\n

I remember fearing that her next move was going to be asking me to go to the store and pick one up for her.<\/p>\n

It sounded suspiciously \u2018french.\u2019<\/p>\n

So I was relieved when I found out what it really was.<\/p>\n

Women think of some pretty cool stuff sometimes.<\/p>\n

Because they\u2019re not thinking of \u2018hot freaky\u2019 all of the time.<\/p>\n

One of these days I\u2019m gonna come up with a list of the top ten inventions by women that would make single guy\u2019s lives more worth living.<\/p>\n

But since I\u2019m a guy I\u2019m gonna put it off until a woman who loves me asks me over and over again to do it.<\/p>\n

And when she gives me an ultimatum I will make it a goal.<\/p>\n

Then I\u2019m gonna write that list on duct tape that I\u2019ve fashioned into a piece of paper because I can\u2019t find the paper\u2026 but I knew that the duct tape was right in the garage where I left it last time I decided to try and fix something a couple of years ago.<\/p>\n

Bedskirts would be on that list if I ever wrote it.<\/p>\n

Right on top.<\/p>\n

Has any single guy ever gone out and purchased a bedskirt?<\/p>\n

What an amazing invention those are!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s like a device that conceals all of the shit that you either throw under your bed or that just ends up there.<\/p>\n

Like all of those socks you\u2019ve been missing forever.<\/p>\n

The kind of shit you usually only find after your lease expires.<\/p>\n

Like that stuff under your dresser when you move it.<\/p>\n

Women just do that kind of thing when they\u2019re bored.<\/p>\n

Looking under furniture.<\/p>\n

It must be the female equivalent of fishing.<\/p>\n

\u2018I think I\u2019ll pull some furniture out of its place and see what\u2019s underneath it today\u2019 they must think \u2018I don\u2019t have anything else to do\u2026 and the paint store is closed on Sundays.\u2019<\/p>\n

That\u2019s how women get their super powers of knowing where everything is.<\/p>\n

That and the fact that they actually put it away.<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s not just because men are slobs\u2026 even though we obviously are\u2026 it\u2019s easy for women to put stuff away because they\u2019re the ones who know where to put it.<\/p>\n

Because they unilaterally determine where stuff should go in the female dominated houshold.<\/p>\n

Which is any household where a woman lives.<\/p>\n

Even if a guy\u2019s put something away you know he\u2019s not outta the water.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s gotta put it in \u2018the right place\u2019 too.<\/p>\n

You know she\u2019s just trying to provoke you when she says \u2018Honey\u2026 did you put the adjustable wrench in the china cabinet?\u2019<\/p>\n

You remember the first time you took your chick to your crib?<\/p>\n

You thought she was checkin\u2019 out your CD collection and admiring your fantastic taste in little known independently produced music?<\/p>\n

While you were workin\u2019 out the details of your carefully choreographed plan to show her your duvet cover\u2026<\/p>\n

She was really looking at all of your prized personal possessions and hoping that one day the two of you would have a fairy tale wedding and a garage big enough for all of that shit to fit into.<\/p>\n

Guys just hide shit.<\/p>\n

Especially from women.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s in our genetic programming.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s so that we can cope with women.<\/p>\n

The problem is that we hide it and we forget where we hid it and then we need to ask our girl\u2026 who then tells us that we\u2019d know where it was if we actually put it away in the right place.<\/p>\n

The place she determined that it should go.<\/p>\n

Without telling us.<\/p>\n

Or more likely with us not remembering that she told us.<\/p>\n

Of course\u2026 if she said to us \u2018honey\u2026 I want to talk to you about your need for \u2018hot freaky\u2019 and those things that you\u2019ve been asking me to try doing\u2026 I know that \u2018hot freaky\u2019 is something that you think about a lot and I want to be supportive towards you that way\u2026 and I would\u2026 I mean more\u2026 if you put your beard scissors away in the basket that I\u2019ve purchased for all of your male grooming products that I\u2019ve found the perfect place for in the bathroom\u2026 and since I can\u2019t relate to chopping that much hair off of my face every day I wish you\u2019d also be sure to clean every last whisker off of the vanity after you\u2019re done shaving\u2026 she might see you start to fade when you ask yourself what a \u2018vanity\u2019 is because you shave at the sink\u2026 but she could snap you right back if she turns to \u2018hot freaky\u2019 and says\u2026 \u2018you know if you did that for me baby I might be more inclined to actually think about doing that twisted shit you\u2019re always trying to get me to do under the duvet cover.\u2019<\/p>\n

When I look back on the conversation I remember it something like this\u2026 <\/p>\n

\u2018Hot freaky\u2019\u2026 put beard trimming scissors away\u2026 \u2018hot freaky\u2019\u2026 cleaning up whiskers off sink will bring me closer to the promised land of \u2018hot freaky\u2019\u2026 women want to want \u2018hot freaky\u2019 as much as men\u2026 just clean up after yourself and you are by default one step closer to \u2018hot freaky.\u2019<\/p>\n

Beard trimming scissors are a funny thing.<\/p>\n

They are a \u2018relationship flashpoint.\u2019<\/p>\n

Beard trimming scissors are \u2018nitroglycerin.\u2019<\/p>\n

That\u2019s because she will never use them.<\/p>\n

She plucks her faint almost invisible whiskers off of her face with tweezers.<\/p>\n

And she always puts them back in the first aid kit so you never even know they were gone.<\/p>\n

Because she doesn\u2019t want you to know that she has whiskers to pluck anyway.<\/p>\n

And in the female mind the next logical thing to do after seeing the tweezers left out would be to ask \u2018what were you doing with the tweezers.\u2019<\/p>\n

She doesn\u2019t want you to ask her that.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s why she puts them away.<\/p>\n

SHE knows how to hide shit from you buddy.<\/p>\n

Your male brain wants to leave the beard scissors right next to the faucet on the thing that she calls a \u2018vanity.\u2019<\/p>\n

Because that\u2019s where you\u2019ll use them next.<\/p>\n

And you hate looking for shit.<\/p>\n

Almost as much as asking her where it is.<\/p>\n

NEVER ask your woman where your beard trimming scissors are.<\/p>\n

Ask her where she got that amazing top\u2026 or where she picked up those jeans that looked like their creation was inspired by her ass and her ass alone\u2026 or those incredible shoes.<\/p>\n

Just never ask her where your beard trimming scissors are.<\/p>\n

You can get away scott free asking where a lot of other stuff is if you do it right and approach it with a lot of thought and incredible foresight\u2026<\/p>\n

especially if you use romance or your consideration of her in your quest to find your lost treasure\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2018Honey Baby Sugar Sparkles\u2026 I was thinking that one day I would like to take you on a romantic camping trip and you know\u2026 I realized that I have no idea where I put the camping stove.\u2019<\/p>\n

But never ask her where your beard trimming scissors are because you were supposed to put them away you slob.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s like telling her \u2018Honey\u2026 you\u2019re always cleaning up after me\u2026 I just don\u2019t know how I could live without you.\u2019<\/p>\n

You\u2019d be about to get whatchoo deserve smart guy.<\/p>\n

If you have some deep need to set the lobe off and be the beneficiary of a brutal smackdown\u2026 then you can ask where your beard trimming scissors are.<\/p>\n

They\u2019re the one thing that you\u2019re always leaving out that she knows she will never ever be guilty of using.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve got kids\u2026 particularly daughters\u2026 this is where they can really mess things up for you.<\/p>\n

I love my daughters more than anything in the world.<\/p>\n

And I\u2019ll be the first to admit that they\u2019ve taught me so much about women.<\/p>\n

When they\u2019re giving their pink glittery plastic pony its daily bubble bath in the sink they\u2019ll sure as day spot those scissors.<\/p>\n

And then they\u2019ll decide that pony needs a haircut.<\/p>\n

Because pony just realized that pony\u2019s boyfriend doesn\u2019t take anything in life seriously he never puts shit away and pony\u2019s decided to dump that asshole because life would be so much better without him and pony needs a new haircut to symbolize this turning point in pony\u2019s life.<\/p>\n

Knowing that cutting the hair of anything results in a long lecture by mom\u2026<\/p>\n

Princess\u2019ll take your beautiful stainless steel beard trimming scissors to a more secret location to give pony a radical new hairstyle.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, you\u2019re safely at work without a clue as to the fact that the fuse has been lit.<\/p>\n

You have gotta deal with this situation rather delicately.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s pretty much \u2018two against one now.\u2019<\/p>\n

And that four times as much feminine power as you\u2019ve ever proven you can handle.<\/p>\n

The only thing you\u2019ve ever proven is that indeed a man can live for a week eating nothing but american cheese slices.<\/p>\n

You need to get Princess Pony Hairstyles back on your side.<\/p>\n

If your beard trimming scissors aren\u2019t where you left them or in the basket in the bathroom closet your woman purchased to organize your male grooming products\u2026<\/p>\n

you know the kid\u2019s got them somewhere else.<\/p>\n

And when you ask the kid she\u2019s gonna visualize cutting \u2018My Little Ponies\u2019 hair and know that if she tells you where your beard trimming scissors are is like admitting that she\u2019s been cutting said pony\u2019s hair.<\/p>\n

Even though she might only be five or six she\u2019s already so much smarter than that.<\/p>\n

Remember\u2026<\/p>\n

You\u2019re still dealing with a woman\u2026 just a smaller version\u2026 who\u2019s just like a regular woman except she\u2019ll probably never fantacize about dousing you with gasoline while you sleep and burning you alive.<\/p>\n

Because she\u2019s your \u2018Little Glitter Princess.\u2019<\/p>\n

And princess\u2019 don\u2019t do that.<\/p>\n

Chicks who watch the Lifetime Network do.<\/p>\n

But you gotta get those beard trimming scissors back.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t just say \u2018Princess\u2026 listen\u2026 my beard trimming scissors aren\u2019t on the sink\u2026 and they\u2019re not in the basket that mommy purchased so lovingly for me to oraganize all of my male grooming products in\u2026 and that generally means that you have them\u2026 because you\u2019ve been cutting ponys hair with them\u2026 and if you don\u2019t fork them over\u2026 I\u2019ll be forced to ask your mom where they are\u2026 and then she\u2019ll blow her freakin\u2019 lobe and I ain\u2019t not only not gonna get a little of the \u2018hot freaky\u2019\u2026 the pursuit of which led to the birth of my Beautiful Little Princess\u2026 but there\u2019s a chance that not finding those beard trimming scissors might result in my life becoming a living hell for two weeks or so and we don\u2019t want daddy to live a life of misery and hell for two weeks now do we Sweet Glitter Pony Princess?\u2019<\/p>\n

Besides she already knows that the \u2018sink\u2019 is that thing in the kitchen or the laundry room.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s not where she stole your beard trimming scissors from anyway.<\/p>\n

She\u2019s already studying you dad.<\/p>\n

Probing you with her superior feminine mind\u2026<\/p>\n

identifying the weakness\u2019 and the vulnerabilities of men.<\/p>\n

She looks to you to leave your beard trimming scissors on the vanity so she can remember her deep almost instinctive need to cut stuff with them.<\/p>\n

Like pony\u2019s hair.<\/p>\n

Or construction paper.<\/p>\n

To make you beautiful and touching greeting cards with.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re not thinkin\u2019 here man.<\/p>\n

Because you\u2019re pretty good at doing that.<\/p>\n

Always ask yourself\u2026 everytime you\u2019re looking at a woman\u2026 even a mini version\u2026 ask yourself what it is that they \u2018want.\u2019<\/p>\n

It\u2019s the only thing that matters really.<\/p>\n

To them.<\/p>\n

And therefore to you\u2026 the \u2018modern sensitive man\u2019 who is actually trying to understand \u2018them\u2019 in order to coexist in peace and love and the quest for \u2018freaky hot.\u2019<\/p>\n

Because ultimately they are going to get what they want so you might as well just identify it as soon as possible and capitulate you dufus.<\/p>\n

And Princess wants another pony\u2026 and some glitter\u2026 and some smelly markers.<\/p>\n

That have glittery ink.<\/p>\n

So she can draw ponies prancing around fairy tale castles overlooked by dominant all knowing unicorns who symbolize the superiority of womanhood.<\/p>\n

Work with her man.<\/p>\n

Work with her.<\/p>\n

It is the only way.<\/p>\n

She can teach you a lot about women.<\/p>\n

Your little Princess wants to give daddy what he wants.<\/p>\n

But daddy\u2019s gotta remember the genetics at work.<\/p>\n

Because even at this point Princess\u2019 little genetic deck is all stacked up against daddy.<\/p>\n

You gotta do the right thing Daddy.<\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019ll tell you what sweet little Princess Glitter Rainbow\u2026 I\u2019m going to go up to my room and lay in bed and stare wide eyed at the ceiling and think of the ramifications of asking mommy where my beard trimming scissors are\u2026 and when I do that I just want you to know that if you find my beard trimming scissors and return them to me without letting mommy know that they were ever out of my possession\u2026 I will not only not even ask you where they were when you found them\u2026 I will reward you for helping daddy out by buying you that purple plastic pony you\u2019ve been really wanting\u2026 with the long hair\u2026 the one that comes with the brush.\u2019<\/p>\n

This is where your panicked ass just sold out the entire male race.<\/p>\n

Yes\u2026 you\u2019ll get your beard trimming scissors back\u2026 probably within five minutes\u2026 but now you\u2019ve just reinforced in that girl that knowing where shit is gives her power and dominion over the entire male species.<\/p>\n

Because it gets her exactly what she wants.<\/p>\n

That purple plastic pony with a hairbrush.<\/p>\n

The one mom wouldn\u2019t get her.<\/p>\n

Because you\u2019ve already bought her thirty of them and she keeps cutting all of their hair off.<\/p>\n

Not to mention your beard scissors will be kidnapped and held for ransom time and time again dude.<\/p>\n

You should at least \u2018try\u2019 to find shit yourself sometimes and not just \u2018wonder\u2019 where it might be.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s why when I\u2019m missing something I always start my search in the garage.<\/p>\n

I really enjoy tooling around in the garage looking for stuff.<\/p>\n

Every box and plastic bin I open is like a time capsule of my life.<\/p>\n

Sometimes it brings me to tears\u2026 the nostalgia I find in there.<\/p>\n

The emotions I get when I realize\u2026 there he is\u2026 my \u2018Talking Billy Bass!\u2019<\/p>\n

I always loved that talking bass.<\/p>\n

What a revolutionary invention.<\/p>\n

He looked so real and happy when he sang that song.<\/p>\n

\u2018Don\u2019t Worry Be Happy\u2019 by Bobby McFerrin.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m so amazed that the battery is even still good after all these years.<\/p>\n

And from the contents of the box\u2026 the newspaper packing and stuff\u2026 I can tell that he\u2019s been buiried alive in there for almost seven years!<\/p>\n

All my shit\u2019s seemed to migrate to the garage slowly over time.<\/p>\n

I used to think a garage was a place for putting a car away.<\/p>\n

But that\u2019s only for single guys.<\/p>\n

Little did we know that \u2018garage\u2019 is french for \u2018a place to dump all of a guys shit.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Un lieu de jeter tout de merde d\u2019un homme est dans le garage.\u2019<\/p>\n

You see that dipshit?<\/p>\n

I got that right from google translate.<\/p>\n

I typed in \u2018a place to put all of a man\u2019s shit is the garage.\u2019<\/p>\n

Then I hit \u2018translate\u2019 and \u2018to french.\u2019<\/p>\n

The word garage is in there.<\/p>\n

Just like we say it.<\/p>\n

Only the french say it differently.<\/p>\n

With contempt.<\/p>\n

Like they say everything.<\/p>\n

While stomping out a cigarette on the floor.<\/p>\n

In a cafe.<\/p>\n

Before they demand more strong black coffee.<\/p>\n

And another \u2018kwaaaaaaasant.\u2019<\/p>\n

In a black and white film.<\/p>\n

That you only took your woman to see so you could impress her.<\/p>\n

So she\u2019d tell her friends all about it so you could secure their all important vote in the matter.<\/p>\n

\u2018He\u2019s amazing and sensitive and he loves french cinema!\u2019<\/p>\n

Now she knows damn well that the only thing \u2018french\u2019 you like are french fries.<\/p>\n

Back to \u2018le garage\u2019 you idiot\u2026 if I can\u2019t find it in the garage, then and only then will I consider even going and asking her if she knows where \u2018it\u2019 is\u2026 and we both know full well that she knows exactly where it is\u2026 and therefor risk blowing the lobe when she gets all over my ass about it.<\/p>\n

Because I\u2019ve come to see this as the \u2018third oldest woman trap\u2019 that there is.<\/p>\n

Asking your woman where something is.<\/p>\n

She knows where that camping stove is.<\/p>\n

She knew it from the day you left it on the counter in the kitchen hoping that she\u2019d do the loving and supportive thing with some miracle product she purchased from gahd knows where and clean it for you.<\/p>\n

She did.<\/p>\n

She cleaned it for your sorry \u2018helpless in all things domestic\u2019 ass and she put it away in the garage where she has determined that it belongs.<\/p>\n

And then she mentally photographed it sitting there on the counter in her otherwise dream kitchen.<\/p>\n

Just to store it in the lobe for use against you one day.<\/p>\n

When you say the stupid thing that you\u2019re destined to say that will set her off.<\/p>\n

The reason you couldn\u2019t find it in the garage is because she put it in the bag that it\u2019s supposed to be stored in.<\/p>\n

Three years later when you ask her if she knows where it is the day before you are supposed to go on a family camping trip and incidentally the day after you went out until three in the morning with your buddies when she assumed that your understanding and supportive self would be available to help her pack\u2026<\/p>\n

You ignorantly asked her \u2018baby\u2026 have you seen the camping stove?\u2019<\/p>\n

Depending on her volatility at the moment and her propensity to want to make your life miserable you might get away with it.<\/p>\n

But odds are, since you\u2019ll be leaving tommorow you are in for it.<\/p>\n

Especially if you add \u2018you know the one I left out on the counter for you to clean last time we went camping three years ago?\u2019<\/p>\n

You just did it again.<\/p>\n

You should visualize that \u2018plunger box\u2019 with the big \u2018T\u2019 shaped handle that they use to set off dynamite with on cartoons.<\/p>\n

You know the one.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s in the garage.<\/p>\n

Because your dumb guy brain just put both hands on that handle and pushed it down with everything you\u2019ve got.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve admitted to her that you have \u2018a memory.\u2019<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s gonna set her off a million ways to Sunday you watch.<\/p>\n

Because you been tryin\u2019 to convince her that with all the pot you\u2019ve smoked in college that she\u2019s right\u2026 you can\u2019t remember shit.\u2019<\/p>\n

She\u2019s always known you could remember SOME things\u2026 like the names of car parts or esoteric and rare, little known and used \u2018species secific\u2019 types of fishing gear\u2026 but not things that matter to her\u2026<\/p>\n

like anniversaries and stuff\u2026<\/p>\n

She\u2019s accepted your \u2018memory problems\u2019 at times and coped with it.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s gotten you out of quite a few jambs in the past.<\/p>\n

But now the gig is up dude.<\/p>\n

If she actually lets the primitive lobe come to dominate her in this moment\u2026 and why wouldn\u2019t she\u2026 and she \u2018visualizes\u2019 that camping stove on the counter three years ago\u2026 after recalling her perfect mental photograph of it that\u2019s been quietly tucked away in the lobe for all this time just waiting for you to set it off like some kind of progressive slot machine in Las Vegas\u2026<\/p>\n

That\u2019s guaranteed to make her blow unless you took her to the \u2018Valley of Love\u2019 within\u2019 the last twenty four hours.<\/p>\n

And I hope to gahd for your sake that you did.<\/p>\n

A recent \u2018religious experience\u2019 in the Valley of Love is the only thing that\u2019ll save you right now.<\/p>\n

Because havin\u2019 the lobe erupt before a long road trip is the fucking very worst time you can set it off Asshole.<\/p>\n

You are gonna be sittin\u2019 in a car in tight proximity to her for hours, pointing out historical landmark plaques and their interest and significance while she says absolutely nothing and fiddles with the climate controls incessantly.<\/p>\n

And pissed off women fiddle with the climate control knobs and buttons in the car like nothing I\u2019ve ever seen.<\/p>\n

I know because I\u2019ve seen a lot of pissed off women try to micromanage the climate controls.<\/p>\n

Talk about brutal.<\/p>\n

Why can\u2019t you just be freakin\u2019 considerate for once in your miserable life?<\/p>\n

If not of your girl, then maybe just every other guy in the world?<\/p>\n

Now your relationship junk is gonna be spillin\u2019 all of its black death mojo vibes on innocent guys in towns hundreds or even thousands of miles away.<\/p>\n

They didn\u2019t ask for that.<\/p>\n

Thanks a lot dickhead.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve learned something about women that\u2019s as close to a \u2018universal truth\u2019 as it comes.<\/p>\n

Their \u2018volatility\u2019 grows to near epic and catastrophic proportions the closer that you get to departure for any trip for which \u2018packing\u2019 is required.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve gotta be on your best game right before going on vacation.<\/p>\n

Screwing it all up on vacation is disasterous because you won\u2019t have work to shield you from the ramifications of being your guy self.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve got to be on top of your game man.<\/p>\n

Go the extra mile and help your woman pack to the greatest extent of your ability.<\/p>\n

And don\u2019t do that thing where you fuck it up intentionally just to make sure that she never asks you to do it again.<\/p>\n

You really want this to be a nice vacation don\u2019t you?<\/p>\n

Then don\u2019t fuck it all up idiot.<\/p>\n

You have been warned.<\/p>\n

Repeat: You HAVE been WARNED.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A Cape Town Castle of Good Hope tagged image from photographer \u2013 Viewminder as published on Flickr. An Excerpt ~ \u2018Beard Trimming Scissors are Nitroglycerin\u2019Image by Viewminder You know what else is weird? The term \u2018Duvet Cover.\u2019 I only learned about \u2018Duvet\u2019s\u2019 when I got myself into a long term mutually beneficial semi-monagamous relationship that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3331],"tags":[25,1737,77,3333],"class_list":{"0":"post-141110","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-cape-town","7":"tag-cape-town-2","8":"tag-government","9":"tag-municipality","10":"tag-mycapetown-co-za","11":"entry"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.myza.co.za\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/141110","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.myza.co.za\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.myza.co.za\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.myza.co.za\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.myza.co.za\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=141110"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.myza.co.za\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/141110\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.myza.co.za\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=141110"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.myza.co.za\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=141110"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.myza.co.za\/press\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=141110"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}