The Accountant reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting her name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable accountant as yourself.”
The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.
“It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.
He looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 30.”
St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!”
What’s the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a financial problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What’s an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.
What’s an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.
What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing his hotel room.
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.
Why do sharks not attack tax advisers?
Professional courtesy.
What’s the difference between a tax adviser and an angry bull?
The tax adviser charges more.
What is the difference between a terrorist and a tax inspector?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
How can you tell when a tax inspector is trying to trap you into a confession?
His lips are moving.
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
How much money do you have?
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.
If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep what does she say?
“Darling, tell me about your work.”
What did the accountant say when he got a blank check?
My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.
What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form?
The man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor. I am lying when I am listing myself as a head of household.
Why the accountant started smoking?
So he can deduct cigarettes from his income tax. Called it loss by fire.
How does an accountant stay out of debt?
He learns to act his wage.
Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.
Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant?
The accountant is R1 million shy and hence is retiring.
There are just three types of accountants: those who can count and those who can’t.
Newton’s Laws of Accounting
For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant. Both of them are wrong.
Why accountants don’t read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They’re great with figures.
What do accountants do for fun?
Add the telephone book!
How do you know when an accountant is on holiday?
He doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8am!
Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knows he is boring.
What’s the difference between the male sperm and an accountant?
The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.
What’s an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
What do you call an accountant without a calculator?
Lonely.
Top 10 Signs You Work in Accounting:
- You lecture the neighbourhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their processes.
- You get all excited it’s Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work.
- You refer to the tomatoes in your garden as deliverables.
- You find you really need Power Point to explain what you do for living.
- You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
- You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement.
- You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbours.
- Ask your friends to “think out of box” when making Friday night plans.
- You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
- You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.
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